What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre


What did 50 cent say when his grandma knit him a sweater?
Gee, you knit?


Why does Snoop carry around an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.


These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" The string says "Yeah." The bartender says, "aren't you a string?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken!


Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.


What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes the hot dog, and the monk gives him a twenty, which he pockets. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, "Change must come from within."
The monk reaches into his robe, pulls out a gun, and says calmly "I said I wanted my change." "Holy crap!" the vendor says in shock, "You're a monk! Why do you have a gun!?"
"My inner piece is a glock."


What's the hardest thing about roller-blading?
Telling your parents that you're gay.


A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.


A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is destroying his family.


My wife says picking my nose is disgusting. So now I have to do it myself.


A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"


A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I just found out I have cancer."


Two atoms run into each other. The first says: "Oh no, I've lost my electron!" The second says: "Are you sure?" The first says: "I'm Positive!"


Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first says "Wow it's hot in here." The second says "AAAHHHH! A talking Muffin!"


What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Damn!


What's worse than a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.


Is the word 'emo' accepted in Scrabble?
No. Emos aren't accepted anywhere.


Ask me if I'm a tree. (You ask if I'm a tree) Nope. blank stare.


So, a baby seal walks into a club...


Why did the Mexican push his wife of a cliff?
Tequila!!


An Irishman walks out of a bar.


What has four legs and an arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground.


A military advisor turns to the president and says, "Sir, a Brazilian died today in Iraq."
The president folds over, his face in his hands, crying. When asked why he is reacting so strongly to the news, he responds, "I don't know how many a brazilian is, but that is so horrible."


Do you like fishsticks?


What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop bang bang clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop?
An Amish drive by shooting.


Have you heard the one about the broom? Really? It's sweeping the nation!


Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines!


Have you heard the one about the broken pencil? No? Forget it, it's pointless.


A grouchy pirate walks awkwardly into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. The bartender, seeing the pirate, asks " Whats with the steering wheel?"; to which the pirate replies: "YAAAR! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"


A chinese guy gets his eyes checked by a doctor.
DOCTOR: Well sir, I believe you have cataracts.
CHINESE GUY: NO! I drive a REXUS not a CADIRAC!


A neutron walks into a bar.
"How much for a beer?" he asks.
"For you? No charge." The bartender replies.


Me: If I was Hitler I would kill 100000 Jews and One clown.
You: Why the clown?
Me: SEE! No one cares about the Jews!!!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye-deer.


Two men are trudging, lost, through the desert, nearly dead from dehydration. Suddenly, one of them sees something in the distance, "Look, look! I think I see someth- is that a bacon tree?" The other responds, "Obviously it must be a mirage ... but it looks so real ... I guess we might as well head for it." So they begin walking towards it, and as they get closer they can see it more and more clearly, "I think it really is a bacon tree" the one guy says to his friend. They soon are close enough that they can even smell the delicious bacon-y sent wafting in the air. Overcome with elation that they've finally found something they begin running towards it. Right as they almost reach it, an armed assassin leaps out from behind the bacon tree and shoots them both. As they lay there dying the one turns to the other and he gasps out, "that ... was no ... bacon tree .... It was a ham-bush."


If bad jokes were sausages, this one would be the wurst.


Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'So how do you drive this thing?'


What is the most common disease among Chinese Pirates?
SARRRRRRRRRRRRS


Ten cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: So what do you think about that mad cow disease, the other cow looks back and says what do I care, Im a helicopter!


Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting together in a dodgy bar and flies fall into each of their beers. How do they each respond?
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Irishman simply flicks the fly out and keeps drinking.
The Scot grabs the fly by its wings and shaking it over the pint yells "Spit it out, spit it out!!!"


Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.


3 legged dog walks into the saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


There are two cats sitting on two roofs. How do you know which one will fall off first?
The one with the lowest µ!


Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!


A young polar bear goes to his dad and says, "Hey, am I a polar bear?"
His dad replies "Yeah you are, I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, we're all polar bears." The young polar bear walks off not feeling completely fulfilled so he asks his mother.
"Am I a polar bear?"
She replies, "Yeah sure you are, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, we all are." he still isn't sure, so he asks his granddad.
"Am I a polar bear?"
He answers "Sure you are, I'm a polar bear, your parents are polar bears. Why do you ask?"
"Because I am fucking freezing!" he replies.


Once upon a time there was a quaint little village where all the villagers lived in peace and happiness. Then one day a couple of Friars moved into town and opened a florist shop. In the back yard they kept a man eating plant. A couple of local kids climbed the fence and the plant ate them. The villagers were infuriated and demanded the Friars move out but nothing they could do would make them leave. Then they got Hugh, the village blacksmith to kick them out and everyone was happy again.
The moral to this story: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Hello Miss Whack, I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I'd like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain pig, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog here called Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, who wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what in the world is this‽"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


What's pink and slippery?
A slipper.


Michael Johnson was in a very traditional part of the country. He went to play golf at a small gentlemens retreat. He greeted the man at the gate who looked at him. 'I'm sorry sir, but this is a very old fashioned club. I don't think you would want to play here. Try somewhere else.' Not believing this racism still existed Linford said 'What?' 'Look sir theres another golf club up the road, play there. Its just a 10 minute jog away.' 'Excuse me? Do you know who I am, I'm Linford Christie!' 'Oh. Oh Im sorry sir. A 5 minute jog.'


A man takes a bus tour through a Native American reservation. About halfway through the tour, the guide stops the bus and points out a man sitting on the side of the road. "That's Old Chief Crazyhorse. He never forgets anything". The tour group disembarks the bus and walks over to meet the Chief. Skeptical, the man asks of the Chief, "What did you have for breakfast on April 5, 1964?". "Eggs" replies the Chief. The man dismisses the answer as nonsense, gets back on the bus with the group and finishes the trip.
Years later, the man is driving along a road in the same area and spots Old Chief Crazyhorse. He pulls over and winds down the window. Struggling to remember Native American customs, he greets the Chief with a "How". Looking up, the Chief replies, "Scrambled".


Why did the blind man go sky diving?
To scare the hell out of his dog.


A man is in a bar having a drink when he notices a well dressed guy come through the door with 5 beautiful women all over him. He also happens to have an Orange for a head.
The man at the bar watches him flirt and buy rounds and flash bankrolls of money and get all the attention in the room for an hour before getting up the nerve to approach the man.
"Excuse me, Sir..." he says, "I have to ask...I see you here with all these beautiful women, and all this money, and all this attention...but I noticed you have an Orange for a head. How did all this happen for you?"
The man with an Orange for a head replies "Well I was walking on a beach one day when I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.
First, I wished for all the attention from the hottest women in the world.
Second, I wished for an unlimited supply of money.
Third, and this is where I kind of screwed it up, I wished to have an Orange for a head."


Why was the strawberry sad?
Because its parents were in a jam.


So I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.


What does A&W stand for? Amburgers and Wootbeer!


A man makes a new friend, a guy by the name of Merv. One day the two were talking and Merv brings up Jay Leno, saying they're friends. The man doesn't believe it, so Merv offers to fly them both to L.A. for a Tonight Show taping. After the show, Merv introduces his new fried to Jay, and the three spend the evening touring L.A. in one of Jay's classic cars.
Another time, Merv mentions being friends with President Obama. "No way," the man says. "I could believe that you knew Leno, but not Obama!" So Merv flies them both to Washington D.C., they go to the White House and are greeted immediately by the First Lady. They spend the rest of the evening watching movies with the president in the White House's screening room.
Yet another time, Merv and the man are talking about religion, and Merv mentions something the Pope told him. "Wait," the man says. "It was hard to believe you knew Leno, near-impossible to believe you know Obama, but don't tell me you know the Pope too!" So Merv flies them both to the Vatican, where a monsignor meets them and tells Merv that he's welcome to stand next to the podium that day while the Pope celebrates mass. "Your friend, though, will have to stay with the congregation."
After the mass, Merv goes into the congregation to find his friend passed out cold. Merv revives him and asks what happened. The man says "It was hard to believe you knew Leno, near-impossible to believe you know Obama, and wholly implausible to believe you know the Pope. But when the guy next to me said 'Who's that up there behind the podium next to Merv?', I couldn't take it anymore."


Benny the lumberjack makes a good living cutting down trees in the forest by his house. One day he finds a beautiful, giant tree, but as he lifts his favorite axe to start chopping it down, a magic gnome pops out and demands that Benny not chop down his home! In return, the gnome will make a deal. The gnome will work some magic so that Benny's axe never gets dull. The only trouble is, in order for the spell to work, he has to stop shaving. If he ever cuts so much as a single whisker, he'll instantly turn into a clay pot. Since lumberjacks are meant to have beards anyway, Benny decides this is a good deal and agrees not to chop down the tree.
Many years later, after his long flowing beard reaches to the ground, a felled tree lands on it, and Benny is trapped in the woods. Not seeing anyway out, he cuts of the trapped portion of his beard with the axe, still sharp as can be. Poof he turns into a clay pot.
Because afterall, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.