A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:
One dozen large eggs, One pound of Swiss cheese, One box of brownie mix, One twelve pack of soda, Two pounds of coffee, One gallon of whole milk.
As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."
The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.
Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?" The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "


So this guy and a girl are having hot, hard, sweaty, dirty sex and after much hammering the guy pulls out, shoots all over her face and rolls over and lights a smoke. After some silence the guy looks over and says "so how was it" chick says "to be honest that was pretty bizarre." guys says "Bizarre huh?? That's a pretty big word for a six year old!"


What do you call 3 lepers in a hot tub?
Stew.


A little black kid is baking with his grandmother. He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"
Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mother.
Nervously, the kid walks up to his mother and says "Look, Mommy, I'm a little white boy." Mom slaps him and sends him back into the kitchen.
"Have you learned anything?", asks Granny.
"Yes," replies the boy, "I've been white for five minutes and I hate niggers already."


Two poor negroes are on the street when they come across an ad on a building saying "Be white, only 99 cents!"
They count up their change. Negro 1 only has $1, and the other guy has 98 cents.
Negro 2: "you go in there, become whiite, and then give me the penny so I can become whiite too!"
Negro 1: "that's a good idea, brutha."
So, he goes into the building. Negro 2 wait's about 5 minutes, and then his buddy comes out holding a briefcase, wearing a nice suit and tie, and he's white as hell!
Negro 2: "Look at you, you's white as hell, brutha! How about that penny so I can be white too?"
Former Negro 1 looks at him blankly: "get a job, nigger," and walks away.


This nigger stuff isnt cool guys... I grew up with a lot of black friends.
Until my dad sold them all.


Hey man black jokes aren't cool - there's one in my family tree.
He's still hanging there.


A white guy is walking down the street and finds a lamp. He picks it up and rubs some of the dust off of it and poof, a genie appears. The man says "I wish I was hung like a nigger." So the genie lynched him.


Why do women get their periods?
Because they deserve it.


No more jokes about menstruation! Period.


Nickelback


A man is walking along the beach. He comes across this beautiful woman with no arms or legs. She's crying. He asks her what's wrong. "I've never been hugged. Will you hug me?" He picks her up and gives her a big hug, puts her back down and goes on his way. He's walking back the other way and sees her again, in the same place. She's still crying. He asks her what's wrong. She says she'd never been kissed. "Will you kiss me?" He picks her up and gives her the most passionate kiss he's ever given. He puts her down and goes on his way. The next day he's walking the same route and sees the same woman, still crying. He asks her what's wrong. She says, "I've never been fucked. Will you fuck me?" He picks her up, carries her over to the edge of the beach, and throws her in the ocean. He shouts "You're fucked now!"


Why did Hitler fail gym?
He never could finish a race.


When Rabbi Goldstein was asked why he used his lottery winnings to build a 9 foot tall solid gold statue of Hitler in his yard rather than put a new roof on the synagogue, he slowly rolled up his sleve... "Well, he did give me the numbers."


That's fucked up dude, you shouldn't make jokes about the holocaust. My grandfather died at Auschwitz, you know. Yup, he fell off of a guard tower.


A Jew and Czechoslovakian go camping. While they are camping a bear comes along. The bear decides to eat the Czechoslovakian guy and the Jew freaks out, gets in his car, and leaves. While driving away he gets pulled over.
Officer: "Where you going in such a hurry?"
Jew: "My friend just got eaten by a bear at our campsite and I was trying to GTFO."
The two return to the campsite and now there are two bears, a male and female. The officer asks the Jew which bear his friend is in; the Jew assures the officer that it was the male. He is 100% sure it was the male that ate his friend.
The officer shoots the male, cuts him open, but finds nobody inside.
What's the moral of the story?
Never believe a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.


Rabbi Goldstein is at his wit's end and cries out "God please, my family died in the Holocaust, I had to move to another country with no friends or fellow Jews. Please just this once let me win the lottery."
God says "Rabbi, at least meet me halfway and buy a ticket!"


How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She can fit in your wife's clothes.


A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...and he orders a drink.


You know why Mexico never wins anything at the Olympics? All the Mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are already in America.


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family , so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’ So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’
The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'


Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.


Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
She moans with the other.


What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.


How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
Rearrange the furniture.


Why couldn't Ray Charles read?
Because he's black.


Why is Ray Charles always smiling?
Because he doesn't know he's black.


What would Ray Charles be doing if he were alive right now?
Clawing the inside of his coffin.


Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too, if your name was Oaurrauarr.


What'd the leper say to the hooker?
You can keep the tip.


Why did they stop the hockey game in the leper colony?
Because there was a face off in the corner.


What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."


What's the difference between jam & jelly?
You can't jelly your cock down her throat.


What's black and blue, and doesn't like sex?
The 11 year old in my trunk.


Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, Michael Jackson fucks little children.


Chinese guy goes into a bar, walks up to the black bartender and says, "Scotch. Make it a jigger, nigger!"
Bartender says, "What the...? How dare you!?"
"C'mon man," says the customer, "just gimme a jigger, nigger!"
Bartender is hopping mad. "Do you have any idea how it feels to have someone talk to you like that? DO YOU?"
"No. Now where's my jigger, nigger?"
Bartender stands his ground. "How would you like to trade places and see what it's like? HUH?"
"OK", says the chinaman, and he walks behind the bar.
Black guy approaches and says, "Gimme a drink, chink!"
"Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."


So there's 3 Canadians driving down the road, and the driver says, "let's play 20 questions!" and so they're like alright.. So the driver thinks of something that no one will ever think of.. 'Moose dick'. Canadian passenger number one says "Can you eat it?" and the driver responds, "I guess so.." and the other Canadian passenger says, "Is it moose dick!???"


What's the useless flap of skin around the vagina?
A Woman.


How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
One if you slice him thinly enough.


What do you call a black lawyer?
You call him a lawyer, you fucking racist!


What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.


A guy walks into a bar and sits down.
"Hey, Joe, haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?" asks the bartender.
"Not bad, but today has been fantastic. I was walking down by the railroad tracks and there was this naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her took her back to my place and had incredible sex for hours. It was amazing." said Joe.
"Good for you, man, was she pretty?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know, I never found her head."


What kind of bees give milk?
Boobees.


What would the Beatles have been called if they were black?
Niggers.


Three friends walk into a brothel and ask the pimp for three rooms. The pimp, out of prostitutes but desperate for the business, nervously puts on a smile and says, "Sure, we can do that. Just gimme a minute, okay?"
The pimp walks into the back and finds three blow-up dolls, places them in the three separate rooms, and unscrews the lightbulb. Winded, he tells the boys their rooms are ready, but none of them have workings lights. They say they don't mind and retreat to their respective rooms.
About an hour later they leave their rooms and, without looking at each other, quietly return to their car. After driving back for half an hour, none of them saying a word, one of the men finally concedes, "I don't think mine liked me at all. She didn't say a word the entire time." Another man cries, "Oh my God! I think mine was dead! She didn't move at all!" The other man confesses, "Who cares about that. I think mine was a fucking witch! I bit her on the ass and she flew out the window!"


Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.


Three tampons are walking down the street, small, large, and winged. You wave to them, which one waves back?
None of them. They're all stuck up cunts.


What has 100 TEETH and holds back a MONSTER?
My zipper.


A penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. The mechanic says give him 15 min to look over the car. It's a hot day and the penguin sees an ice-cream shop so he decide to get a big dish of ice cream. He goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replies, "that's just ice cream."


How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.


A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. It would be most gracious of you if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight' The old Chinese man says, 'I'll let you come in on one condition, you cannot mess around with my granddaughter' The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning.' The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.' 'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.' Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb rock on your chest'. 'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle'. The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, '3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost'.


What's the one thing a woman can tell her boyfriend/husband that will make him both happy and furious at the same time?
That he has a bigger cock than his brother.


A man takes his wife into the hospital to deliver their baby. The man is waiting in the waiting room when the doctor comes out carrying his son. All of a sudden the doctor drops the baby and starts kicking it around the room. He then picks it up and throws it to a window. Finally, the doctor picks up the baby and starts punching it in the face over and over again. As the father looks on horrified, the doctor turns to him and says, "April Fools! He was already dead."


Guy checks into a hotel, asks the clerk, "is your porn disabled?"
"No," replies the clerk, "it's the regular kind, you sick bastard."


A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah are in a small row boat with a 10 year old boy. They row 5 miles off shore when the boy falls out of the boat, and is being swept away by the current. The rabbi says, "hey, don't you think we should go help that kid?" The mullah replies, "nah, fuck that kid." The priest says, "do you think we have time?


A Rabbi and a Priest are out in the woods when they see a young boyscout. The priest says, "Hey, wanna' fuck that kid?" The Rabbi says, "Yes. But what should we fuck him out of?"


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.


So a man and a young girl pull off the highway on to a dirt road. They get out of the car and start walking off into the woods.
The little girls say, "These woods are reallllyyy scarrryyy."
The man replies, "Yeah, well I'm the one that has to walk back by myself in the dark later."


A man and a woman are in the bar. The woman gets up to get another drink. While waiting for the bartender to pour her drinks a drunk patron walks up and whispers in her ear. She responds with a slap to the face. Undaunted he whispers again into her ear. She hits him again, this time a little harder. Rubbing his reddened face, the parton tries for a third time, whispering softly into her ear. This time she slapped him with such ferocity that he stumbles backwards and slinks away hurt and embarrassed.
When she arrives back at the table, drinks in hand, her boyfriend asks: "Honey, what did that little punk say to you to get you all riled up like that?"
"First he said he was going to hump me til I was blue in the face like Smurfette."
Her boyfriend stood up, red-faced with anger. "I'm gonna kill that sunnofabitch." She put her hand on his shoulder and sat him back down.
"There's more. He then told me he wanted to fuck me doggy style til I howled at the moon in pleasure."
In a rage now, her boyfriend stood up cracking his knuckles, "Where is he? I'm gonna make him bleed the little cocksucker..." And she put her hand on his shoulder and sat him back down.
"It gets even worse... Then he said he was going to flip me upside down, fill my cunt full of beer and drink it..."
And her boyfriend sat there, took a sip of his beer, and leaned back with a rather contemplative look on his face. Confused the woman says: "Well? Aren't you going to go kick his ass?"
"Bitch, I ain't fuckin' with ANYONE who can drink THAT MUCH beer..."


How do you find out who loves you more your wife or your dog?
Put them both in the trunk of your car for two hours and see which one is more happy to to see you.


What sex position produces the ugliest babies?
I don't know, but you should ask your mom!


What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of a battered woman's shelter?
The dishes if the bitch knows what's good for her.


Why are black people good at basketball?
Because they can jump, shoot, and steal.